Assessing his commitment potential

Assuming you are a mature woman and you are interested in a man, then you will be thinking about the long term… your potential future with this man. This is the way women are.

Unfortunately, men don’t think the same way.

As I referred to previously, men can be very interested in you and yet be totally unconcerned with the future. This is just the way men are. And if you just go with the flow and assume he is on the same page as you, you may be in for a nasty surprise down the road, not to mention all the time you will waste on him.

This is part 8 of a series on dating and partner selection (mainly from a woman’s perspective but could also be of interest to men). It will make more sense if you read the series in order. The previous posts are –

1. What do you bring to a relationship?

2. Are you a real catch?

3. What makes a man attractive?

4. Selling yourself short

5. We all want the best

6. The best man or the best man for you?

7. How to choose the best man for you

Perhaps you think having “the talk” with him will help. It won’t. Depending on what kind of man he is he will likely respond in one of these ways –

  • He will straight out lie to you and tell you what he thinks you want to hear
  • He will avoid the question
  • He will be genuinely confused about your question and not really know what he wants, thinks, or feels
  • In about 1% of cases, if he is an exceptional man, he might actually tell you the truth… and it will not be what you want to hear

Ok, there is a remote possibility that he will say that he wants a long term committed relationship with you. But it will be rare. Unfortunately, the men who will most likely say this are generally not the ones who you will be most interested in.

Perhaps you think delaying sex will help. It will definitely put off men who are not that interested in you, but… if you do this unreasonably, you will also ruin your chances with the kind of high value men that you are most attracted to and interested in.

Perhaps you think that all you have to do is find a man interested in commitment… a commitment minded man. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. The vast majority of men are not primarily seeking commitment. They may agree to commitment, but only with a woman that they consider to be “special”.

What is the alternative? As I discussed in my last post, if you could find a man who valued you as a long term partner as much as you valued him, that would be a great start. But if you can’t assume that just because he seems interested in you, and you can’t ask him directly, how do you know?

The good news is men are quite predictable when you delve a little into their psychology and this applies to their willingness to commit too.

Generally, a man will commit to you if he believes BOTH of these two things –

  • That you are his best option. To him you are special, unique and compelling.
  • That he will lose you if he doesn’t commit.

I stress he must believe both of these two things, not just one or the other. Trying to force him to commit if you are not his best option will be futile.

You need to be as valuable to him as he is to you. That is what I call a balanced relationship. Unfortunately, from my experience, women are very good at assessing a man’s value but not so good at assessing their own, and hence often end up in unbalanced relationships where the man is reluctant to commit.

Next – A relationship where he wants to commit

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