You meet a new man and you are excited about him. There are many things you like about him and as you get to know him more, your interest level grows. He has a whole range of qualities that you find attractive. For example, he may be tall, successful, has a position of high status and authority, and is charismatic and fun. You see him as a very desirable partner both for now and also for the future.
He seems excited about you too. But…
This is part 7 of a series on dating and partner selection (mainly from a woman’s perspective but could also be of interest to men). It will make more sense if you read the series in order. The previous posts are –
Why is he excited about you? Most likely he finds you physically attractive, responsive to his advances (and in his mind at least), potentially sexually available. He sees you as an attractive woman that he wants to have sex with. This is how men think. And what he is not thinking about right now is a long term committed relationship. That may come later, and if it does, he will have a host of much more stringent requirements, but for now his interest is purely sexual. This is normal and healthy and just the way men are. If he did not have sexual interest in you, then that would be a real problem because there would never be any relationship to begin with.
The point I am making is that his initial interest in you is no indication at all, of his likelihood or willingness to commit to you down the road.
The way most couples handle this is they let the relationship develop over time and at some point (usually) the woman brings up the subject of commitment, the man hems and haws and eventually (this sometimes takes years) either agrees or the relationship comes to an end. At this point the woman then seeks a new partner and repeats the process.
The obvious problem with this approach is it can take an enormous amount of a woman’s time. Time that she may not have. Women don’t like to waste time and there is a very good biological reason for this. A woman’s fertility window, the time she can conceive and bear children is limited and finite. If she wants to eventually have a family, she cannot afford a string of relationships that go nowhere.
What is the alternative?
If you don’t like wasting your time, another approach is to match the man to you in the beginning. Everyone has a range of prospective partners that would be good for them. Outside that range, chances are things probably will not go smoothly or end well. Inside that range the chances of a successful relationship, whilst not guaranteed, are greatly enhanced. It’s what I refer to as a balanced relationship, where both partners bring equal value to the relationship.
This is not settling for a man who is less than you, it’s matching yourself with a man such that your interest in him is equal to his interest in committing to you. Or to put it another way, your value to him as a long term partner, is equal to his value to you.
You can probably see that this matching of value (how much you value each other) is a big factor in whether a relationship will be long lasting or not.
If there was a way of quickly and easily assessing this in the beginning, then you could save yourself an enormous amount of time spent in relationships that, in the end, go nowhere.
Next – Assessing his commitment potential